Shhh... I'm Sorry

By Megan Joiner and Harrison Kramer, 11.29.06

The anonymous apology was heartfelt: “I'm sorry I had to tell your brother and your cousin that you had fallen off again. I know you will hate me forever, but I think they can help you. I'm sorry that I couldn't. I'm sorry that I lost you as a boyfriend but I will do everything I can to see that you are not lost to meth.”

Another apology followed, just as gripping: “I'm sorry that when he talks to you on the phone and he says I love you back it's through gnashed teeth. I'm sorry that he's going to spend his life with me, because I'll make him happier than you ever could.”

Then came another after that: “I am not sorry that I'm gay. I am sorry that I have never had the guts to tell anyone though. And I'm sorry that I've made myself miserable because I've never been able to just be myself because of it.”

These anonymous apologies and others like them are found on the Web site Joe Apology.com. Some address issues like sexual orientation, drug abuse or suicidal thoughts. Others deal with arguments with friends and roommates, breakups with boyfriends or more trivial matters like saying a bad word or being mean to a friend.

Sometimes it’s even a confession: “This isn't an apology. I guess I'm sorry for that. But I just sat and cried in the bathtub for over an hour, and I have no one else to tell. I feel so alone and broken and scared and I needed to tell someone. That's all.”

Each entry is unique, personal, fascinating and as a rule, anonymous.

So why apologize on a Web site and not face to face?

“Well, I think it’s fair to say that it’s human nature that makes the act of apologizing difficult,” said Andy DiSimone, the creator of Joe Apology. “It's hard to admit fault, especially when there are strong emotions involved.”

DiSimone launched Joe Apology through Blogger.com from his home in Brooklyn, N.Y. in March of 2006. All apologies submitted first go to DiSimone before getting posted on the site. Because login information is not required, there is no way an apology writer could ever be found out.

DiSimone’s inspiration for starting Joe Apology came after hearing about a gentleman from New York named Allan Bridge. Back in the 1980s Bridge set up a telephone line called “The Apology Line.” People around the city could call and leave their recorded apologies and also listen to those left by other callers.

“I was very inspired by this and realized that today's technology provided a way to do this on a much larger scale,” DiSimone said. “So, I guess you could say it's a way of expanding on and continuing the work of the late Mr. Bridge.”

DiSimone has no training in psychology or intentions of providing counseling for the apologizers. He does however desire that they find relief after sharing an inner conflict.

“I hope that it offers people some solace, a place to get things off their chest and to see that there are other people all over the world who have regrets and apologies just like them,” DiSimone said. “Like everyone, I have things that I'm sorry for but have never officially apologized for them. This site was definitely a way for me to personally get a few things out there that had been weighing on me.”

Kelly Blazi, a mental health professional from Warner Robins, Ga., agrees that Joe Apology can be helpful because it allows people to alleviate their guilt.

“There is some catharsis in apologizing for something,” Blazi said. “There’s a need to agree that there’s a problem.”

Some people, however, feel apologizing online is an excuse.

One person posted: “I'm sorry that the people who visit this website have to post their apologies online instead of going out and telling them to the person or people who deserve them. I hope that through this website they find the strength and clarity to apologize to someone in person and not just anonymously. If you are really sorry, go out there and do something about it,”

Like the anonymous post, Blazi said the site allows a person to get their frustrations off their chest but not giving their apology in person prevents the apologizers from applying it to their personal lives and relationships.

“In a sense, it can alleviate guilt, but it can also be harmful because it takes away responsibility,” Blazi said. “A true apology is naming what you did and telling the person why you’re sorry and finding a solution. If that hasn’t been done, can you really call it an apology?”

DiSimone agrees. Going to his Web site should be the beginning of a process.

“I do think it's important for people to direct their apologies in real life to the real people who they're referencing. In a way, I look at JoeApology.com as a stepping stone to doing this,” DiSimone said. “A practice run if you will.”

Readers be advised: When visiting the Joe Apology site you may discover some unedited apologies that are graphic or sexually explicit in nature.