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Photo by Hilde Vanstraelen
A one week old baby girl (not Evelyn)
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His Child, Not Mine
After finding faith in God, Esther was ready to leave her old life and start a new one full of peace and healing. But one night her life changed. Victimized by a rapist, Esther discovered she was pregnant.
By Rosalie LoPinto, 03.01.07
As the labor grew more intense, each pain thrust Esther further from that night of sorrow and deeper into the peace of God.
Surrounded by her family and closest friends, she basked in the warm glow of their love and prepared to meet her daughter.
“God’s presence was so real in that room when my baby was born,” Esther said. “It was like He was saying, ‘This is how much I value life.’ The nurses actually thanked me for letting them be a part of it all. They said they never felt such love.”
As she speaks, Esther’s large round eyes seem like deep wells of memories - wells full of experiences that belie her 25 years. Kenyan by birth and Ugandan by ancestry, Esther is the daughter of a guerrilla warlord and a spurned mother.
At the age of nine, her family relocated to the United States. Raised by her step-mother, she scarcely had time to know the father she idolized. He died of AIDS when she was 10, contracted by way of an extra-marital dalliance. A charismatic man, her father appeared awkward in her presence.
“I got the feeling he was afraid, that he didn’t know what to say to me,” Esther said. “Now I realize how it affected me later with men. I always tried to get attention, especially from older men.”
In their teens Esther and her sisters tried to assimilate into American culture with limited success.
“The black kids accepted me because I looked like them, but they wanted to force me to fit into their world,” Esther said. “I couldn’t relate.”
Steering clear of serious trouble, she headed for college aiming for a career in marketing and advertising. But in March of 2004 something life-altering happened. The movie “The Passion of the Christ” awakened within Esther a deep faith in God.
Gradually her lifestyle began to conform to her new found belief. One night in a club she heard God speak to her: “You don’t belong here.”
She began attending church, reading the Bible and sharing her faith publicly. Soon she was convinced she was meant to live a life of ministry. She applied to Bible college, gave up her job and moved in with friends in preparation for entrance in fall 2005. But an unforeseen storm was brewing.
One evening, a male acquaintance in need of a ride asked Esther to pick him up. When she arrived he wasn’t ready and invited her in.
“I believe God warned me in my spirit, but I didn’t listen,” Esther said.
After she was inside, the acquaintance made it clear he had invited her in with a purpose. A struggle ensued and though she resisted, begged and pleaded, he told her she should stop fighting.
“I don’t want to have to hurt you,” he said.
“I’m a Christian, don’t do this!” she cried but to no avail.
When he was finished, she left devastated. A month later a test confirmed Esther was pregnant. She was overwhelmed.
“At that point everything crumbled. How can I serve God? I’m dirty,” she thought.
Esther believed her whole ministry and life with God were destroyed.
“I didn’t want to be a single parent,” Esther said. “Abortion wasn’t an option, though the doctor urged me to abort the pregnancy without delay.”
She felt like she couldn’t pray, yet she begged God to end her life.
Gradually the loving support of her family, friends and church lifted Esther from that dark place. With the help of a Christian counselor, she began to consider adoption. She decided to give her child to a missionary couple heading for Tajikistan. The new parents sought Esther’s consent before the baby was born to name their daughter Evelyn.
Once Esther made the decision, she felt peaceful. In the delivery room, five months later, Esther looked at her baby.
“When I held her God gave me such peace about letting go that it was never a struggle,” Esther recalled. “This was His child not mine. It was His will not mine. Her parents are such godly people, so humble. They are exactly what I would have wanted for her - perfect, God’s choice.”
Pleased with her daughter's parents, Esther was more than satisfied with the choice she had made. She was now ready to continue the journey she had begun just before Evelyn was conceived.
“I felt like I was beginning my new life. The timing was different than what I had planned but I was still in God’s will. Whatever plan He has will continue. I had to go through this; I don’t know why,” Esther said. “Once I accepted it, I never grieved. Through it all, I learned about dying to myself. It was like God was showing me, ‘In order to give life, you have to be willing to lose your own.’”
There are no tears as Esther shares her story. She believes God has given her a testimony. Today, Esther is in her second semester at Zion Bible College. Her desire is to work with young people, and her message is simple: If you give your life to God, nothing and no one can keep you from His plan for your life.
Evelyn celebrated her first birthday on Feb. 22, 2007.
